Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
