Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
