I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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