Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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