The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
