The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
