The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
