Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
