I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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