Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
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I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
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I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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