i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We talked him into tasing himself.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
