Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
