you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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