When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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