we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
