She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
