Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
