My friends, they love my intelligence
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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