i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I am full of burrito and curiosity
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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