Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
