just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
