they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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