i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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