Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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