i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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