3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
