Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
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Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
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Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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