I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
