Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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