pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I need moral support for this bender
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
