it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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