Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She told me I should be a condom model.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
