I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i barfeds in our rink
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
