i think my tv is drunk
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
