after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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