it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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