Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
