Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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