We won't sleep together?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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