i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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