Jerry, you need to find god
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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