it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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