I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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