just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
