could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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