WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
