If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
