The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dick very happy bro
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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