I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
