if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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