you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
