Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
