it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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