Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
