mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
