Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
