Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
