I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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