please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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