I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
